By Stephen Pytak 

     This is the kind of go-for-broke treasure
I'd like to see at a film festival with a crowd
that had some appreciation for The Maestro,
or a sense of humor at the very least.
     I had that experience with a few Fulci
films, in particular "House by the Cemetery."
Everyone thrilled to the gore, idiototic 
situations and the the director's snap zooms
on eyeballs and so forth.
     "Conquest" would surely get a lot of 
laughs.
     It was shot in the thick of a sword and
sorcery craze fueled by Don Coscarelli's
"The Beastmaster (1982)."
     The story, crafted by reportedly three
screenwriters, defies logic. It's about a
young man on a journey. To where? I
dunno. I don't think the three screenwriters
assigned to the task did either. 
     Our hero, Ilias, finds himself in a strange
land filled with whacked "Cobweb Creatures"
with green eyes that look like rejects from TVs
"Land of the Lost (1974)," a family of 
tribesmen right out of "Quest for Fire (1981)"
and hairy beasts that were about as 
convincing as "Star Wars" fans in wookie 
costumes waiting in line for the first showing
of "Revenge of the Sith (2005)."
     Ilias has a weapon which none of these
primatives have ever seen before.
     A bow.
     Fascinated by this thing is our villain,
"Ocron (Sabrina Sellers)," a topless chick 
in a gold mask who leads a cult of  wookie-
wannabes.
     So, when she's not encouraging her
entourage to rape the local cave girls then
tear them in half, or masturbating with
her pet snakes, Ocron plans Ilias' demise.
     Along the way, Ilias meets "Mace," a
savage loner. Together, they end up saving
each other from mortal danger again and
again as if the whole thing was some kind of
game of ping-pong. Mace saves Ilias. Then
Ilias saves Mace. Then Mace saves Ilias...
     Oh, I forgot to mention. When Ilias 
reaches manhood or whatever, he's able to
shoot arrows from his bow which are 
created by the gods, the power of the sun, or
the Atari 2600.
     Take "Conquest" seriously and you're
asking for a headache. But if you know
going in what makes Fulci great, you'll
come out of this looking for a Mace action
figure.
     It's hilarious. Our two leads play every 
bit of nonsense they face on the trail to 
wherever with the straightest faces they 
can muster. Mace in particular. I cheered 
when he started kickin' ass, fighting 
creatues, zombies and in one scene, he 
even fought himself!
     There's gore, of course. Impalings with
sticks and arrows. The naked girl getting
pulled apart as I mentioned. Two 
beheadings.  And a lot of head injuries.